umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
