miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
