You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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