Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Pooping to opera.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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