Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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