She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
