I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
