I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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