My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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