did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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