You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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