xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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