Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
