I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
