i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
