My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
