I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
