Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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