I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
