I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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