I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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