do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
