Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
