Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
