This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
