my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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