from now on my penis is your penis
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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