I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Randomize