Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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