My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
