Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
