you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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