he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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