why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
