My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
