I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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