I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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