So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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