i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
