How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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