I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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