I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
