Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
