i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
