Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize