literally had 100 drinks last night.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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