On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
