I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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