hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
