oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Sober January is a disaster.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize