I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
