Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize