He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
