This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
