alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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