I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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