Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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